Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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