If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
