all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
