I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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