Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
