I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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