Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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