I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
