Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
