the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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