I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
