I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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