I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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