Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
