I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize