i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
