my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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