I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I believe in your delicious
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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