The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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