My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm experimenting with sincerity
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize