Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
