I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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