i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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