ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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