Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
