I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
