every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
