I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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