I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
