what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
