you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Of course I have a pirate flag
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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