it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
