no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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