Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
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