You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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