If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
