Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
