there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
what day is it and did you see me today?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
