I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
