oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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