Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
