is your mom at the bar?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
