How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
