new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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