genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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