My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
