We're like a lot better than the average bears
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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