On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
