smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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