i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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