i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
