So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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