im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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