I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
