true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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