She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
