My liver just broke up with me...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
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