I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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