Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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